Family

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Yesterday was my first Mother’s Day (with a baby not on the inside of me) and it was great.  Olivia was so thoughtful and got me exactly what I wanted (kitchen gadgets) and Kraft has promised a 6-pack of my favorite beer next time we’re near Specs.  And we’re going to Alamo Drafthouse’s baby day and watching Babies tomorrow.  I am sooo excited about it.

So I was thinking and reflecting on what it means to be a mother and I started thinking about what it takes to be a mother. 

“It’s important to not make the decision based on fear.”
If you’ve known me for any reasonable amount of time you know that the issue of “planning” kids is one that I am constantly thinking about, reading about, discussing, reflecting on, etc.  I don’t always understand the decisions that people make but I know they are doing what they think is best for the family.  When it comes to me and Kraft making decisions about kids, I have yet to come up with a better answer than – leave God in control of it. 

If me and Kraft were in charge of our fertility I’m not sure we’d ever have a kid.  Having a kid is inconvenient, uncomfortable, expensive (and completely wonderful, but that’s besides the point).  If we were planning it I don’t know if we’d ever think we had enough money or were in a place good enough in our relationship to have a kid.  So from the beginning we decided we have to leave it up to God.  It was very tempting to say after the Squeaker was born that we want to space kids out, that we want to figure out how to be parents, that we need to save up some money, but when it came down to it we were just plain scared of getting pregnant right away. 

I was discussing this with a friend and honestly just trying to see if I could come up with a reason that would convince me that the situation was grave enough to use NFP to not conceive a child.  In our conversation we came to the conclusion that when it comes to making major decisions like this we cannot let fear dictate our decision.  Just because we were scared of getting pregnant again quickly does not mean that we should take it into our own hands.  So we decided to leave it in God’s hands (obviously always the right choice but of course the hardest) and here we are 8 months later and not pregnant yet.  God knows what we need.  And if I had gotten pregnant in these last 8 months, God would know what He was doing sending us that baby.

“Always button baby clothes from the bottom up.”
At one of my baby showers everyone wrote advice for us new parents and this was one of the few suggestions that I think about constantly.  Whenever I’m putting O in her pajamas, I always start from the top with the buttons and I always miss a button by the time I get to the end and I think about this advice card.  I should know to start from the bottom by now but I never do.  Such a simple piece of advice but so right on.

“If you don’t buy me the candy I’m going to tell grandma that I saw you kissing daddy’s peepee.”
A horrible embarrassing story that I read about in some parenting magazine.  The little kid yelled this at her mom when they were trying to check out at the grocery store.  Being a mom requires such humility in so many different ways.  Carrying added baby weight when I’ve always been so self-conscious about weight.  Walking around UT with O by myself and getting looks of shock from students/parents walking around. (We always joke that I should put on a UT tshirt and hang out with O and the stroller in front of some sorority house just for laughs.)  Having O scream at the top of her lungs in a restaurant or totally meltdown in public and getting ugly looks.  Breastfeeding in public when there is no other recourse.  Looking frumpy in public because O just wouldn’t let me do anything to make myself presentable that morning.  Moms have got to have such thick skin.

“You just never know what’s going to happen in life so really enjoy it and be thankful.”
On our first flight with O we sat next to this absolutely wonderful lady.  She was telling us how much she wanted a big family but her husband divorced her after they had their first kid and she never remarried or had any other kids.  I know, sad huh?  But she’s so right.  We may want a huge family but that doesn’t mean that God has other plans.  Maybe God will only send us O for the rest of our lives.  So we have to be so thankful and enjoy every moment with O because maybe we won’t walk this newborn part again.

“No storm can shake my inmost calm while to that rock I’m clinging.  Since Love is Lord of heaven and how can I keep from singing.”
This is a hymn from church that I constantly have to sing to keep sane.  It’s kinda like my mantra.  When I feel like I’m about to lose it because I’m so frustrated with O I sing this in my heard and picture me holding onto the rock of sanity and it helps me calm down.  God always sends me the grace to calm down when I ask for it.

“9:20 sleep, 9:55 awake, 10:35 sleep, 10:37 awake, 10:45 sleep, 10:55 awake, 11:05 sleep, 11:45 awake, 11:48 asleep, 11:55 awake, 12:08 asleep, 1:22 awake,  1:40 sleep, 4:00 awake, 5:00 sleep, 6:20 awake, 7:45 sleep, 10:30 awake”
This is O’s sleep log from a night in January.  We have had some really rough nights.  She’s not much better at sleeping.  She still sleeps at least one good 3 hour block but other than that wakes up about every hour but it’s much easier to put her back to sleep than it used to be.  Patience is the name of the game.  And sometimes I lose at the game but everyday is a new day.

So here’s to all the moms that have to be not afraid, practical, humble, thankful, sane, patient, and a million other things to keep the family running. 

Happy (belated) Mother’s Day.

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Since making the decision to stay home with the Squeaker I have had this really nagging worry.  I worry that I am not actually teaching her anything and that she would be better off at daycare or with a nanny because at least there she could be with other kids and learning from them.  Obviously I know that moms staying home with their kids is a good thing but I feel like maybe I’m not teaching her the right way or teaching her at all.  I don’t know, maybe she’s supposed to be walking and counting up to ten by now and I have failed to get her there.

In the last week she has been making amazing strides in development.  She started crawling (army crawling) at the beginning of last week.  I was getting to think this was never going to happen because she always wants to be standing and hates to be on her tummy.

For the last couple weeks I’ve been trying to teach her some baby signs.  Specifically I’ve been teaching her “more” and “all done” and “water”.  Yesterday she started doing “more”.  I don’t think she knows what it means yet but she is copying my hand motions when I do it, so it’s a start.

She has also been sleeping in her crib like a champ.  And like a champ I mean an hour at a time but this is basically as much as she was sleeping in our bed at a time so that fact that she is doing it in her crib is amazing.

While I’m sure O would have learned these things in daycare if we had her there, it just affirms that at least my mom aptitude is not stunting her learning and she is reaching the milestones that she needs to be reaching.  Thank God.

It’s just nice to feel like maybe I’m not so bad at this mom thing as I feel sometimes.

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This is another golden tip from some book that I read about baby sleep.  Seems pretty common sense but you come to find that to a sleep deprived parent, few things are common sense.  The Squeaker has been such a bad sleeper that when I figured out I could nurse her to sleep lying in bed, I thought I had hit the jackpot.  Problem is now I can only put her to sleep like this.  So when we’re all in bed and she starts to squirm and I know she is going to wake up, yes I feed her, and yes, sometimes she is asleep.  So I do in fact feed a sleeping baby sometimes but I don’t do it as often as before.  Now I wait and see if she can put her self to sleep.  Anywho…

There are a few things that I am getting tired of:
1) People talking to me as if I’m stupid for co-sleeping with O.
2) Co-sleeping with O.

So, #1, I guess I run in some pretty hippy mom circles where co-sleeping is valued and seen as good parenting.  But recently I have had a lot of encounters with people who don’t have kids and who talked to me as if I didn’t know the first thing about being a good mom.  There is really no topic quite as controversial as how you get your baby to sleep.  Every single mom feels guilty about the way they get to their kid to sleep.  Including me.  Every time I tell someone that O sleeps in bed with us I feel like I need to explain why.  I feel like they are judging me and think that I am doing the wrong thing.

You know what?  That’s it.  I’m not going to feel bad anymore and other moms shouldn’t either.  I have talked at length to moms about how they get their kids to sleep and every single one of them does something that they feel uncomfortable telling you about and feel like they have to justify it.  Moms that have their kid sleep in their own crib in their own room and had to let their kid cry until putting themselves to sleep will say that there was no other way that worked and this was their last resort.  Moms that sleep with their baby in bed with them will say the same thing.  Moms that put their baby to sleep on their stomach will say the same thing.   We don’t need to explain why we do this to anyone.  The name of the game is survival.  You do what puts your baby to sleep so that you can get just enough sleep not to go crazy.

I do believe that there are a lot of things that moms can do that make them bad moms.  Here are some examples: put soda in your kid’s bottle, not giving your kid a chance to like veggies and always feeding them chicken nuggets and quesadillas, letting them play Halo and Grand Theft Auto, etc.  But sleeping with your baby, putting your baby in a crib, or letting them sleep on their stomach  is not one of them.

So next time I am talking to you and the topic of co-sleeping with O comes up don’t tell me that you think babies should sleep in cribs and don’t tell me that you know someone whose aunt’s hairdresser’s tax attorney’s dog groomer rolled over and smothered their baby after coming home drunk one night.  Don’t want to hear it.

#2 I have been thinking for a while that it is time to transition O into a crib.  Not because I want her out of our bed, but because she sleeps pretty well when she is asleep in our bed by herself but when I get in bed she wakes up about every hour.  I think she would sleep better in her crib.  And now that she is starting to be more mobile, I am worried about her being able to crawl off the bed.  (It is a commonly known precaution that if your baby sleeps in bed with you you should put your mattress on the floor to prevent this from happening.)  Thing is, I just have not built up the resolve that I need to fight this battle.  I am very sleep deprived at the moment and the thought of rocking O to sleep for hours and then her waking up 5 minutes after I put her in her crib makes me want to cry.  So I’m working on it.  Not to mention, we have a queen size bed which was fine until she started getting so big and likes to sleep with her arms outstretched as if she was Jesus.

Just like all families, we are a work in progress.