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My Short Run as a Zealot and Why I Love Simcha Fisher

August 23, 2016 by Vanessa Leave a Comment

When I was a new mama, I was going insane. I wish I was exaggerating. Olivia never slept and she cried and cried for hours and hours. I didn’t know any other stay-at-home mamas and only one of our friends had a baby. I was completely alone all day (other than the baby). No one to see or talk to until Brandon came through the door after work whereupon I would hand him the baby and dissolve into hysterics.

Then I found the land of mommy blogs. I wouldn’t say that my days were all rainbows after that, but the cloud of isolation drifted away a bit. These women wrote about the good and the bad of what I was going through. Women that understood. It was nice to relate to some of their experiences.

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Image: Aleteia

In those early days I was fishing around and somehow stumbled upon Simcha Fisher. I clicked on the first thing I saw and read this article. I immediately didn’t like her. I thought her a jaded and cynical mother that had let life wear her down.

When Kraft and I got married we were on fire with a love of all things NFP (Natural Family Planning). I think more than anything, we were so glad that this really important tenet of our faith was something that made sense to us. We were on board and super excited. We even floated ideas of starting a blog about NFP.

Ok, I’m so embarrassed about this next part. Please, please forgive me, my dear two readers. I completely repent for what my newlywed self did next but I feel like this makes my point. Being full of zeal I went straight to the person that I knew needed our help most – The Director of NFP at the USCCB.

In my email I informed the USCCB:

Being in my mid-twenties, [many] are getting engaged and married, and while most of them are faithful Catholic couples who are planning on using NFP, they still are using it or planning on using it with a contraception mentality.  I believe that many well-meaning Catholic couples are informed too much by secular culture.

Blech. *hides face in hands* I’m going to try not to hate myself for writing those words. Let’s set aside my atrocious grammar and the fact that I didn’t even call it the right thing (it’s “contraceptiVE mentality”, not contraceptiON mentality. Also, don’t ever use that phrase). The USCCB person that wrote back to me was so so gracious and wonderful and politely told me:

Rather than accuse people of a contraceptive mentality (NFP is hard enough to use on its own),… most NFP couples follow a “growth cycle.”  In other words, they may start out holding the same cultural contraceptive mentality that everyone else has, but as they “live” the NFP lifestyle, they grow together as a couple…it may take years before as a couple they are living their sacrament as God intended.  The Lord God has patience to draw them along, and we who teach and promote NFP need to do likewise.

Brilliant, brilliant response and so kind. She could have easily written to me saying, “Shut it! Get off your high horse! You know nothing of the world and the trials and tribulations of marriage! You’re a baby!” Which would have been a fair and just response.

To bring it full circle, my issue with Simcha at the time was that I was that person she was describing:

…gung-ho and ablaze with the information that we should be open to life, an obnoxious twentysomething brandishing her NFP manual in its original wrapper may think she has something to say to a crowd of grizzled old matrons.  She may think she’s stirring up a righteous flame in some old, moldering cinders by proclaiming the truth about what it means to be truly generous, truly compliant to the will of God.  She may think she’s doing some good (and looking pretty swell in the process!).  But more likely than not, she just doesn’t know what she’s talking about.

Well played, Simcha. Hold that mirror up to my face.

But I kept reading Simcha’s stuff because she was the only one that I had found who wrote about real things. She didn’t portray herself as levitating in rapture while washing the dishes. She wrote about her failings and how things are hard, but she wrote about them with hope and with charity. It only took about two more posts before I loved her. I loved her humor, her snark, her humanness. She writes with a wisdom that only comes from living life with her eyes wide open.

Back in April, Kraft and I ran a marriage preparation retreat for engaged couples. We were on break when a young couple (not on retreat) waltzed into the room. They were about to move to the city and be married later that month so they were checking out the church to see if it was where they wanted to attend. I told them that if they chose to be parishioners here, we’d love to have them volunteer at the next retreat. It’s great to get newlyweds to share their story. The woman’s eyes lit up. “Are you telling them about NFP?? It is the most important thing we could do for engaged couples is tell them about NFP.  It’s so great and fabulous and such a blessing to couples! It helps them get closer, you know.”

I stared at her, possibly with my mouth slightly open, for a second too long before I said anything. She was me 9 years ago. Now we have 5 children all born about 18 months apart. My cycle, while being very regular is regular in an abnormal way which makes charting difficult. Add that I just can’t seem to make the time to check what I need to check as often as I should. Thus, we are left with a very limited window of time that we can “use”. (I do want to be clear that our days aren’t limited because of NFP but rather my current inability to get my act together.)

All this to say, I more readily understood where Simcha was coming from that fated day I read that first post. This woman standing in front of me had yet to be drowning in the depths of postpartum depression while seeing a positive pregnancy test on the counter with a 8 month old screaming in the other room. She had yet to go into labor early resulting with 2 babies in the NICU. She had yet to see what happens to your relationship with your husband when you’re sleep deprived to the brink of insanity.

Not that this woman was wrong at all. NFP is such a blessing and is so good for couples in physical/emotional/spiritual ways but it is a long and winding road (as all things in marriage are) with some great stretches and some very rocky stretches. God gives us that zeal at the beginning because we need it. We need the momentum to carry us into uncharted waters. If we ever had any idea what we were getting into, we would all run away screaming.

And this is what I see in Simcha. She is a woman that has plunged into the waters holding fast to her faith. She is not jaded or bitter. She isn’t perfect. We don’t always agree. Her writing doesn’t always come in a pretty little box tied up with a bow. But her writing is real all the time and prophetic at the best of times. I am happy to be closer to Simcha’s experience now than my 20-something year old self back then. I’m thankful that I’ve had her writing to read along the way and I’m grateful to have the chance to continue reading here posts here.

 

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Olivia’s First Day of Kindergarten

August 10, 2016 by Vanessa Leave a Comment

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A couple years ago when Olivia started Kindergarten I was so ready. She was so ready. We were all ready. I felt like it had taken a lifetime for her to be old enough to go to school. Real school. I was more excited about it than she was. The world was opening up to her and she was going to start finding her way in it.

We took her to school and she wasn’t sad nor was I. I didn’t even get close to tearing up. This was probably more due to showing up about 30 minutes late. Whoops. Cut us some slack, it was our first time ever taking a kid to school.

We drove home and went about our day. It didn’t seem that weird that Olivia was missing. I wondered what she was doing at school, if she was making friends, if she was going to eat something she wasn’t supposed to. All the usual mom worries. Then Kraft came out to grab his coffee and accidentally bumped into my elbow. He said sorry and I responded, “Apology accepting.”

This is what we always say at home. Since Olivia was old enough to talk we taught her to say sorry and if we said sorry to her she was supposed to respond with apology accepted. She always, always, always says “apology accepting.” It’s so dang cute that we just let it go. We didn’t ever correct her. And now we all say it. It’s such an ingrained inside family joke.

I responded with this phrase out of habit but the second after I said it, BAM, cue the waterworks. I slumped down and started sobbing. As happy as I was to send my little bird out of the nest for a bit, I realized I wasn’t going to get to hear what she was saying all day. I was going to miss out on all the funny things she does and says. All day.

On the up side, other people get her sass which I’m happy to pass off 😛

Filed Under: Uncategorized

“My Family Loves Me”

August 9, 2016 by Vanessa 3 Comments

We have had such a fantastic summer. Really, really great. One for the books. We’ve had some big adventures and the kids really hung in there with all the traveling and driving. They did beautifully.

It was in between all these awesome trips that I felt like a total mom failure. Prepping for each thing whether it was swim lessons or driving to South Dakota or cooking dinner took a Herculean effort. Not because it is super hard to put on sunscreen and get towels or pack some clothes, but because it takes foooooreeeeever to do anything with all the kids at home. For the love of all that is good and holy. These kids have all banded together to make me sure I don’t get to cross anything off my to-do list.

I know life isn’t about being super efficient and accomplishing all the things but I’d like to be able to wash one load of laundry and fold it within a 12 hour span. Or I’d like to cook for a solid 5 minutes before needing to step away to mediate a dispute or pick up a crying baby. I’m not asking for superhuman efficiency, I just need one or two little housekeeping victories everyday to keep myself from going crazy.

In between all the fun trips, I have felt like a dragon that is always grumpy and spitting fire when someone spills their milk. I get so angry over the smallest thing. And then I hate myself for being such a jerk.

Even with all this, I had really high hopes for this last week of summer vacation. We were going to live it up. We were going to sleep in, go swimming, have ice cream. All the summer favorites.

Tomorrow is the first day of school. Ask me how many of these things we did.

Oh, I’m glad you asked. Zero. None. Nada. I couldn’t even get us to the pool. It’s just down the street. Like one block. Actually we have 3 pools within 1 mile of our house. Didn’t happen. Between school supplies and uniforms and shoes and getting our house ready for school, I have been actively working toward getting ready for school for a solid 2 weeks and I still have a ton of things to do tonight for tomorrow.

I get so little done during the day. I know that’s the name of the game for moms, but sometimes it’s so maddening. After I freak out at the kids I tell myself to chill out. It’s just laundry or dishes or sweeping. It’s not the end of the world. And then I see all those stupid posts that say, “Don’t worry about housekeeping while you have little kids. Kids don’t keep. Dust will.” Yeah, but the mental clutter that it adds to my life drives me insane and leads me to scream at my kids because, yes, I’m ignoring the dust, but I just need the toys picked up at the end of the day. My soul needs those toys in their bins. It does feel like the whole world depends on it. Which is stupid, I know, I know.

And here we are the last day of summer and I feel like a terrible mom. Everything the kids do gets on my nerves. I yell all the time.

Then Olivia showed me her journal entry for today (summer homework, don’t get me started):wp-1470795796008.jpg

“My family loves me and we have a good time together. What could be better?”

I almost sobbed. Thank God she knows we love her. I feel like I’ve been doing an awful job at loving my kids. But I realize that motherhood is playing the long game. I know I’ve been sucky but that’s not the end of the story nor is it the whole story. Motherhood is complicated with lots of ups and downs and we have to forgive ourselves. We’re not going to be able to handle life the way we want to all the time. We’re going to suck and then we’ll realize it and do it better and then we’ll suck again at some point. But we’ll keep learning and keep adjusting. Not because we’re going to ever get it perfect but because we love our kids. And that’s really all they need to know.

Filed Under: Mi Vida, Parenting, Uncategorized

The Dreaded Sugar Dragon

July 3, 2016 by Vanessa Leave a Comment

It has been 2 weeks since we finished our Whole30.

fat friar
Photo: http://fatfriar.org

I have snuck in a few sweet treats. After we finished the Whole30 we went to New Hampshire for one of the most joy-filled, fun-filled, great-people-filled weddings I’ve ever been to. It was so great. The cake came out and I enjoyed both flavors heartily. And then, as if it couldn’t get any better, there were also Franciscan Friar Cookies. And they were soooo good. I ate two of those suckers. It was amazing.

Then we were up at 2am to catch a 5am flight less than four hours after eating that cookie. I didn’t really get to figure out how my body reacted to sugar since we all hated life anyway.

But since then I’ve eaten a few more sweets and I finally figured out how my body reacts to sugar. It shuts down. Like completely.

On Friday, I took the older girls to the Umlauf Sculpture Garden
(Holy cow, what a treasure this place is. I would like to sit and meditate in it every morning). But it was hot and we were near Barton Springs so we stopped by the Sno Cone stand on the way home. I told the girls if I got them each a snow cone, I got a taste of each one. Of course they agreed. Sharing with your sister is the worst, apparently. Got snow cones. Took a spoonful of each one. Got in the car. Got home. Bam. I was done for. I could barely keep my eyes open. I was so sluggish. I barely was able to drag myself off the couch to make dinner a little while after that. Then after the kiddos were asleep, I came downstairs and laid on the couch watching TV. I had zero motivation to do a single thing. It was one of those times when something crummy is on TV but the remote is just out of reach so you try to use telekinesis to no avail. Then I fell asleep so hard that I don’t remember Brandon trying to get me up before going to bed. I woke up at 3am in my clothes with all the lights on.

Whoa. I thought maybe this was a fluke. Maybe I was just tired.

Today I gave in and had my favorite snack: Ritz crackers with strawberry jam. The best. Even better if I had cream cheese and strawberry jam, but I settled for strawberry jam. Immediately I laid down and fell asleep on the couch. Thank God dragon-311928_960_720Brandon was around to watch the kiddos. Then I woke up and still could barely muster enough motivation to drag myself to the kitchen to make dinner.

What’s weird is that too-tired, no-motivation, sluggish feeling wasn’t life after all. Here I thought this is what life is supposed to feel like in this season of crazy little kids. But sugar, apparently, plays a big role. Don’t get me wrong, I was still tired when I was on the Whole30 but this feeling like I’m trying to pull myself out of a hole to make myself do daily activities is sugar. Exhaustion is different from total lack of power over my motivation levels. Sleepiness is different from narcoleptic episodes of falling asleep on any horizontal surface nearby.

Hmm. So that dreaded “Sugar Dragon” is real. Total bummer. But it is a nice piece of data to know about my body.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: whole30

Day 1 of Post Whole30

June 20, 2016 by Vanessa 1 Comment

Geez, I’m gonna have to learn how to title my posts again. Numbering them was so easy. I’ll get better. I promise.

Today was our first post-Whole30 day. We still ate Whole30 mostly. Kraft ate a square of chocolate and got a headache within 10 minutes. Our kids spent most of the day saying, “Yay, you can eat bread again!” Ha. But we didn’t. I did lick the oatmeal spoon after I served it to the girls for breakfast. I know, I know, we know how to party around here.

I took a picture of dinner out of habit: Chicken Zucchini Poppers – super good. We couldn’t find chicken so made them with ground turkey.

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I have a handful of Whole30 recipes that I’ve been hoarding but haven’t used yet so I thought I’d put them here in case you were looking for something new:

Paleo Pumpkin Coconut Smoothie

Oatless Zucchini Oatmeal

Yam, Celery Root, and Bacon Hash

Herb Balsamic Roasted Potatoes

Meatballs and Marinara

Sweet Coconut Cauliflower Rice

Whole30 Hashbrowns

Jerk Shrimp Stew with Cauliflower Rice

Madras Chicken Salad

Dirty Cauliflower Rice

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: whole30

Day 30! {Whole30}

June 19, 2016 by Vanessa Leave a Comment

Here we are. Day 30. I’m not going to say that doing a Whole30 was easy, but I will have to say that it wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be. It was plenty difficult to continue making non-Whole30 food for my kiddos the whole time and pass on the birthday cakes and chai lattes. But all the planning and cooking on top of living your regular life takes so much time that it does slip by rather quickly.

Today we ate brunch at Kerbey Lane and then for Father’s Day we ate at Fogo de Chão. First, I would like to draw attention to the fact that at Fogo, kids 6 and under eat free. All 5 of our kids ate free. Isn’t that crazy? Usually having a big family does not pay off in this way but this was an awesome perk.

We ate compliant all day even though my dad was tempting me with the 2 custom cocktails he drank that were made with mint and blueberries and agave nectar. And we had a neighbor selling homemade cinnamon rolls for Father’s Day. Ugh. Gooey cinnamon rolls are my favorite. I want to be buried with a cinnamon roll I love them so much. Sorry, that got weird. But no. I said no.

We’re traveling to a wedding soon so I had decided that I’ll still eat as close to Whole30 as I can but at the wedding I’d decide to either have some wine or some cake and see how it goes. Well, I’m glad we had such a big meal at Fogo. Even though I ate compliant food, I ate a ton of food. All the steak and bacon-wrapped chicken and lamb and pork was sooo good. And the salad bar was great, too. I loaded up on lettuce, fruit, asparagus, olives and some cured meats. But I totally overdid it. My stomach didn’t even wait for us to get home to freak out. It was really upset even before we left the restaurant.

I’m so glad I did this now and not while we’re traveling. I know now that I have to keep my eating in check unless I want to feel like that again. Non-compliant food or non-compliant ways of eating are not so tempting now after seeing what my pre-Whole30 food binging does to my body. It was a good lesson.

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Kraft took all the girls on a hike by himself. He wore one baby in a hiking backpack and the other in an Ergo. #dadlevelup #winningattwinning

Breakfast: [no pictures from the entire day]

  • Kerbey Scramble – without cheese but with added spinach and avocado. Really good. Much better than the omelette I’ve been ordering
  • Fruit cup

Lunch/Dinner: Binging on complaint food, still no good.

  • Steak
  • Pork
  • Bacon-Wrapped Chicken
  • Lamb
  • Asparagus
  • Salami
  • Prosciutto
  • Lettuce
  • Fruit – blueberries, pineapple
  • Tomatoes
  • Olives

How We Felt:

Because we’re all wondering, I stepped on the scale again today to see how I’ve done in the weight department. Between Day 1 and Day 10 I lost 5 pounds and since then I’ve lost 3 pounds. So total I’ve lost 8 pounds. Kraft has lost a total of 10 pounds. Not huge numbers but we’re happy with it. We feel really good. Also, I am pretty sure that if we slept better we’d have better weight loss. We get 4-5 hours of sleep every night and that’s just not enough time to let our body properly work things out. So I’m glad our eating has affected our weight loss but I know we have other things to work on if we really want to see some better health.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: whole30

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