After four pregnancies and ending with twins, baby weight is a real thing. In my head I can bound up my stairs two at a time but when I try, my legs laugh at me. Or if I am chasing Olivia, she can actually outrun me because my body just won’t move quickly enough. It would be nice to be more fit. To be able to hop up on a curb just using leg muscle and not have to throw all my weight so momentum carries me.
After Teresa, I decided to really get serious about losing some weight. I got a personal trainer, started going to cardio classes, started a 10K training program and started working out on my own at home. This was my inner dialogue one night when I didn’t want to do anything:
“Damn. I missed the Piloxing class I wanted to go to tonight. Ugh. I just wanted someone to make me work hard, now I have to make myself work hard.
It’s the thought that counts. I wanted to work out but I guess not.
No, I have to work out. I skipped it yesterday. I can’t skip two days in a row.
Nah. I don’t want to. I already worked out one day this week. That’s better than the week before. Baby steps. You can’t go from zero to hero in a week.
Just get some exercise clothes on. Just do that.
Ok, just get up off the sofa and start walking up the stairs, then you can decide.
The workout clothes I like isn’t clean. This is a sign. I shouldn’t work out.
Just put on some clothes.
Ok, I’ll just lift weights for 15 minutes. I don’t really need to get dressed for that.
Vanessa, just get dressed!
Ok, fine. *gets dressed*
Crap, isn’t it cold outside? I’m wearing shorts and a short-sleeve top. I should change.
I don’t want to change. I just won’t workout.
Vanessa, just get downstairs!
Ok, I’ll just do some planks or something.
No, get out the door. Run.
It’s 50 degrees out! I’m not going to run in these clothes.
Just get out the door!
Ok, just around the block.
Shit, it’s cold. Run faster. Get this over with faster.
Ok, this feels good, just to the pool and back.
*runs a mile* Well, my heart rate is up, I should do something else to keep burning the calories. I’ll just work arms.
*arms done* Ok, I’ll workout just until 8:15 and then I’ll stop.
*got some core exercises in and started legs* Well, I’m almost done with the whole workout, I might as well keep going. But I’ll definitely stop at 8:30.”
And then I finished a whole workout.
I’m feeling pretty darn proud of myself even if my inner dialogue was tortured and pathetic throughout the whole night. Thank you, War of Art. The whole time I kept thinking. This is resistance. This is resistance. This is resistance. I have to fight it.
It helps for me to remember back then, even when I was more fit, even when I weighed less, even when I had developed a workout routine I loved, it was still really hard to make myself workout. I still had to work past my tiredness and my desire to remain sedentary. I still had to ignore everything in my mind telling me I shouldn’t: too cold, too hot, too late, I’m too full, I’m too tired, my knees don’t feel the best, my stomach kinda hurts, it’s been a hard day. My excuses never go away, I just have to push past them.
[Also, please excuse that I thought running in 50 degree weather was too cold. Remember, we’re Texans.]